Wednesday, December 08, 2004

Well That Explains It

So I'm reading The Site That Shall Not Be Linked and I come across this op-ed by Howie Carr and I'm thinking who peed in his cheerios? Talk about shrill!
Memo to John Kerry voters:

It's time to peel those Kerry bumper stickers off the backs of your Volvos. It's also time for you - or your butler - to take down the campaign yard signs from in front of your mansions.

What part of ``It's over, you lost!'' do you pukes not understand?

Around here, before Nov. 2, Kerry signs outnumbered Bush signs by a 10-1 margin. It's been five weeks since Kerry did a Dukakis, and now the ratio is maybe 20-1. Carpenters for Kerry, Firefighters for Kerry, Featherbedding Pinky Ring Union Thugs for Kerry . . .

Of course, Bush voters had good reason to get rid of their bumper stickers. It reduced the chances of having their vehicles keyed in a parking lot by a Featherbedding Pinky Ring Union Thug for Kerry.

I saw two loser Kerry stickers yesterday on a blue Chevy - amazing, isn't it, that a Kerry voter would be caught dead in such an unfashionable Detroit car? The sticker on top was your basic ``John Kerry,'' and the bottom one said ``Kerry Edwards,'' with an American flag between the names. And above that, in italics:

``It's Up to Women . . . Vote!''

And so they did. For George Bush.

But traditional bumper-sticker etiquette requires that if you were right and everyone else was wrong, then you wait a few months before you print up some new bumper stickers. In 1972, Massachusetts was the only state to vote against Richard Nixon. Then Watergate blew up. Anyone remember those famous 1973-74 bumper stickers:

``Don't Blame Me, I'm from Massachusetts.''

All these years you limousine liberals got by establishing your Beautiful People credentials with a simple oval sticker on the back windshield that said MV, as in Martha's Vineyard. You exhorted everyone to Redefeat Bush. You asked your fellow motorists to Visualize World Peace and to Think Globally, Act Locally.

But suddenly, those traditional ways of announcing ``I Don't Have a Real Job'' aren't good enough anymore.

For God's sake, exit stage left. Move on (to coin a phrase). Surely there's some other way you can express your disgust. Find a Christmas tree on public property and then call the ACLU. Have an abortion. Get Michael Moore's autograph.

But lose the bumper sticker that says ``A Stronger America.''

I saw another one yesterday. Next to the Kerry sticker was a purple one that said, ``Pro-Family. Pro-Faith. Pro-Choice.''

Now that's Pro-Found.

Apparently this phenomenon spans all of blue-state America. A couple of days ago, the Minneapolis paper found a bunch of whack jobs who refuse to remove their Kerry yard signs. One was identified as ``a pet nanny,'' another as a ``filmmaker,'' and a third as a ``peace activist.''

Of course, these are, no doubt, some of the same people who think that Paul Wellstone was murdered. But still, they got beat fair and square, by 4 million votes. Why can't they get over it?


4 million votes? Mr. Carr, put down that crack pipe. But I digress...

So I finish reading Howie's rant and I wonder what could make an otherwise intelligent man resort to spittle-flying-name-calling to make his point. Who does that shitbag think he is anyway, a fucking blonde blogger who can name-call and cuss with impunity?

A few Yahoo image searches later, I found the answer to my question. I love the internets. The reason widdle Howie Wowie is so angry at Beautiful People blue-staters is because Howie's an uber goober. A not-enough-Vodka-in-the-house-to-make-me-fuck-him guy. PC: An attractive-challenged person. Think I'm kidding? See for yourself:

Nice cap, ya sap. Hello, PETA?

Shorter YT: Howie hates we limo-liberals cuz Howie's bald, Howie's fat, Howie's skin is too soft and piggy-pink and Howie's ass is double-wide. Howie hates Howie. Poor hideous scribe.

Memo to Howie: Go forth, little piggy, dirty up otherwise clean computer screens and/or paper with your red-state rants. You'll feel better, even though you'll remain an ugly shitbag; in turn, we blue-staters will continue to mock you, and look damn good doing it.


At 10:45 AM, Blogger Joe said...

Amazing. He doesn't like women -- at least the ones who voted for Kerry. He doesn't think filmmakers, peace activists or pet nannies are legitimate jobs, yet he's a blowhard radio bullshit artist who offers nothing but bile to society. H accuses me of being a limousine liberal, when I'd guess he makes, oh, 25 times what I make.

At 2:39 PM, Blogger Capitola said...

Hi Joe--

Glad you stopped by.

I know exactly what you're sayin'. Limo-liberal? I'm lucky if my car has gas in it to get me to work -- my two fucking jobs -- so I can eat and keep my home heated. Forget health insurance.

All Bush supporters are wankers and I wish they'd all fall off the face of the planet or get drafted to Iraq. Dare to dream, buddy, dare to dream.

At 5:54 PM, Blogger Poor_Statue said...

I'm confused....Are we liberal elitests who are so rich we drive limousines or are we jobless folks who suck the money from the government?

My stomach is churning.

Sorry, Howie, I'm not going to pretend this is one nation, under Bush.


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